“I fell in love when I was seven years old.”
Ashley, an explorer and lover of words, tells of the time she was first entranced by storytelling.
“I was curled up next to my mother, and we were reading Little Women. I listened to the cadence in her voice as the story unfolded from her lips, and after she read a chapter, I would read the following one. I held on to words that confused me, astounded me, inspired me. Eventually, when the story had ended, my eyes flitted away from the pages and I peered at the other side of the room, surveying the large stack of classics, wondering what to read next.”
Despite her undying love for stories, Ashley places high priority on truth. A story is only as good as the intentions it’s told with, after all, and fiction is best left for the books.
Ashley values authenticity above all: “Over the years, I have found that I am increasingly bothered by disingenuous and duplicitous acts. I find that spreading falsehoods, except when necessary in extreme cases, demolishes trust.”
As such, she aims to be her most authentic self, even when it’s nerve-racking to do so. She has trouble describing the freeing feeling that staying true to herself incites, but she does say, “I am able to rest easy at night knowing that I have not been hiding behind a hollow version of myself; instead, I have been showing my soul.”
Once, Ashley experienced the traumatic betrayal of trust firsthand in an experience that left her outlook on life forever changed.
A couple years ago, Ashley worked with a man who made her feel incredibly uncomfortable. Only after weeks of discomfort did she summon the courage to acknowledge the way in which she had been repeatedly suppressing what she felt and admit to herself what had been going on.
“He followed a pattern: he always came up to me when I was alone and would distract me with questions as he crossed my boundaries. Each time this happened, his actions would escalate.”
This realization caused Ashley to reflect on the “ugly feelings” that people typically suppress: shame, embarrassment, discomfort, and fear. She realized she had disregarded these feelings for three reasons.
First, just thinking about the situation made Ashley uncomfortable, so she avoided the thoughts. Second, she was in a professional working environment, meaning she often needed to attend to customers with minimal time to process her feelings. Third, she felt the need to be polite. “This person was much older than me,” she says, “and I did not want to seem like I was overreacting.”
After she acknowledged the truth, she spent many hours on the phone with her two best friends who patiently listened to her recount the events. “Ultimately, they helped me determine that I had been sexually assaulted,” she explains.
Shortly after, she spoke with her boss, who took swift action. That same day, she also confided in her father, who supported Ashley and drove her to the police station to report the incident.
Ashley describes the importance of identifying a support network: “All of these people played a significant role in helping me grapple with the situation, take action, and work to overcome the effects of the trauma.”
Following this, Ashley sought out ways to feel safer and more empowered by taking self-defense classes for women who have experienced assault. There, she learned the power of empowering fellow women, reflecting on personal moments of strength, and proactively communicating feelings and beliefs.
“At the end of each session, we are asked to share a moment in which we felt strong, a moment in which we felt surprised, and something that we learned from that day. At the latest session, I shared that I feel strong when I practice using my voice in certain scenarios to communicate when I am uncomfortable. I am pleasantly surprised when I felt a sense of female solidarity when cheering on others or conversing with them during breaks.”
Beyond this, she learned the potential of her own confidence and the way in which she can defend and speak for herself. “Perhaps most importantly, I have learned that I am my own best advocate and protector.”
Her self-defense instructor left them with a valuable message: “Abuse happens in silence and isolation, whereas healing happens in community.”
Through these classes, Ashley uncovered new bonds and a mindset that guides her to this day: “I have found the power of my voice, the strength of my mind and body, and the comfort of female solidarity. These classes have empowered me to continue my healing process as well as discover a strong community of females who have had similar experiences.”
She realized her response to the assault was a defining moment that commanded her growth. “I chose to learn from this traumatic event and decided to live a life where I feel safe and able to protect myself.”
“This experience made me realize the importance of listening to my own intuition. It was tempting to bury my discomfort, fear, and embarrassment in silence, but silence feeds abuse. Reflecting on my feelings, reaching out to those I trust, and reporting the incident ensured that this person would never violate me or anyone else ever again. I must also say that in a way, I was fortunate because I was never silenced, shamed, or blamed,” she adds.
Though she experienced many months of struggle and overwhelming emotion, Ashley rose above the trauma and continues to embrace all life has to offer.
“I live for the moments when someone I’m close to laughs hysterically – eyes watering, gasping for air, gripping their stomach – the whole works. I find it delightful to see someone this way, and it’s always interesting to see what makes them laugh so. I also live for the moments when I feel comfortable being in complete silence with someone, as that’s how I know we truly understand each other. Lastly, I absolutely live for the moments when I feel simultaneously serene and elated, as something wonderful is on the horizon.”
Ashley yearns to serve as a life-altering force to others as well. Before she leaves this Earth, Ashley hopes to create something “original, thought-provoking, and beneficial” for people. “I’m not quite yet what that something is, but I aim to use my passions and my talents to create it. I hope to leave behind a legacy.”
About Ashley
Explorer, scholar, thinker, programmer, writer, storyteller, lover of words.
Note: Name has been changed
Between the Lines 